Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Quick Blast: Ninja's Extreme Weapons (1988)

Ninjas extreme weapons poster 

Tagline:

The day of the Ninja is here!

Quick Blast Review:

Isn't that cover just the best? Ninjas with spiked knuckle-dusters and broadswords, helicopters, masked men with machine guns and a freaking jumbo jet crashing out of the sky and splitting in half.. being set on by an entire platoon of men. That is the best movie ever, right there. So... what the hell did I just watch!? It is impossible to do a proper review about this so I'm going to have to bullet point it.

  • There's a bunch of multi-coloured ninjas working for a mob boss in a wheelchair (who keeps telling us "I am the boss.. and don't you forget it!").
  • By multi-coloured I mean their clothing. These are all white men. One has a porno moustache.
  • Some sort of drug deal happens in the forest and a renegade Blue ninja steals the suitcase of drugs.
  • The boss drinks cans of Coke at a camping table.
  • Somewhere else, there's a bunch of Chinese people (apparently this was filmed in Hong Kong). 
  • One of them is Sergeant Kim and he's a total playboy. He says lines like "Some people judge me for being a playboy... but I get the job done."
  • Kim cracks onto a singer in a nightclub. She's singing a completely different song to what we are actually hearing.
  • There's some army guys walking through tall reeds littered with skulls, after jade treasure in a mountain. They get attacked by a White ninja who disguises himself as a Chinese dragon with a flamethrower in the mouth. Then he literally does a "ninja vanish".
  • There seems to be a story about prostitutes tattooed with dragons being forced to work for an Underworld boss. I'm pretty sure it's not the wheelchair bound boss who drinks Coke, either.
  • The playboy is dubbed by an Australian voice actor. He gets attacked by randoms of the Underworld. He throws an old lady at them as defence.
  • Back to Ninja-land, the boss tells his Red ninja to protect his magic ring from his son who he can't trust. Also if the Blue ninja got a hold of it, the world would end.
  • The boss gets a full body massage from three Black ninjas.
  • We get a decent three-colour-Ninja fight. The Blue ninja flies horizontally through the air then does a quadruple backflip.
  • A chinese dragon is a great place to hide two guys with mullet haircuts brandishing machine guns. And they kill the parents of one of the prostitutes (yes we are back in the second movie again)
  • I think everyone in the Hong Kong part of the movie died except the playboy. I can't recall. No, I'm not re-watching.
Ninjas Extreme Weapons 01Ninjas Extreme Weapons 02Ninjas Extreme Weapons 03Ninjas Extreme Weapons 04Ninjas Extreme Weapons 05

As you can see this is basically two movies smashed together; about twenty minutes of cheap, Ninja related goodness and an hour of underworld prostitution rings and playboys dubbed by Australians. It should have been called Ninja Book-end.

Godfrey Ho, you've done it again.

The Final Fifteen:

The final fifteen is really the final five and the only thing truly worth seeing. The Blue ninja meets with the boss to discuss terms for returning the drugs. It's a heist of course and we get a Ninja battle. The best thing in the movie then happens - the crippled, wheelchair bound boss leaps forty feet in the air, landing on the Blue ninja. Why couldn't the whole movie be like that? Blue gets hoisted up a tree as punishment and the Red ninja retrieves the stolen drugs suitcase. When he opens it it's actually a bomb, and everyone except Blue explodes in a pretty satisfying, slow-motion death sequence. 

Blue looks down from the tree and says "In the name of God, Amen."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sourced From:

I have absolutely no idea how I got this tape.

Trailer:

Not a trailer but it's a scene from the Ninja portion of the movie.

5 comments:

  1. This looks like another insane Godfrey Ho flick! The cover rocks too. Will have to check this out post-haste!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh it's terrible man, but if you know what you are in for and can navigate the dull majority of the film, the multi-coloured ninjas will have you on the floor laughing! Also, nothing - and I mean NOTHING - on that cover is in the film!

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  2. Surprisingly it's not just foreign films that have lousy dubbing, English films occasionally have weird dubbing as well, I remember in the Gary Busey film Act Of Piracy, the actors playing his kids were dubbed for some inexplecable reason, why was it necessary to dub english speaking actors? Maybe it was easier to dub the kids then to try and get them to act convicingly?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and don't forget all those Seagal DTVs with dubbing, or the classic Mad Max being dubbed by an American. In this case it would be because the central part of this "movie" was lifted from another movie. I'd doubt what we hear in the English dub has anything to do with what is actually being said!

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  3. That is unfortunate none of the awesome weapons are in the movie.

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